Shorthand

Just today I was wondering how to write "penumbra" in shorthand.  Now I know.  How did anyone ever understand these scribbles?

LazyMF Welcomes a New Reader

The recent tragi-gasmic death of David Carradine seems to have caused a disturbance in the collective chi of the martial arts community.  For proof, look no further than the comments I received today from Si-Fu Richard M. Mooney.  As he explains, I have misunderstood the nature of the Powerful Empty Force and violated his copyright interests.  He also provides some pointers in the art of Lin Kong Jing to another of my commenters.

This blog post has generated some interest in the past, including a mysterious offer from a person in England to purchase the rare book.  The sale fell through after many e-mails when the purchaser refused to meet my secret agent (code name "joshmas") in Trafalgar Square the following week and pay for the book in Polish Zlotys (cash only).

As a result of Mr. Mooney's litigious comments I've now had to "lawyer up" and retain counsel.  I know I'm in good hands though because a couple weeks ago I personally witnessed my attorney exhibiting a powerful empty force of his own the day after we consumed too much Booker's 126.8 proof bourbon out by the pool.

Suggestions for the Productive Punishment of Your Children

If you're like me, you've disciplined your children at one time or another by removing all forms of media: "That's it - no more Cartoon Network! No more GameBoy! No more YouTube!"  And if your kids are like mine, they come to you within a few hours of this "punishment," tell you they are bored, and ask what you did when you were a child - before TV video games, the intarwebs and childhood diabetes.  If you're like me, you don't want to tell them the truth - that you entertained yourself in a constant form of a 1970's version of Lord of the Flies which involved nerf footballs, whiffle ball bats, truth-or-dare, skateboards, vandalism and Playboy magazines.

I just discovered this two volume set published by the Boys Scouts of America in 1937 which has given me some ideas to suggest to my bored children.  They are ideas from a more innocent time, and you may want to use them with your kids.

There all all kinds of wholesome games scoutmasters taught their troops.  Boys learned how to slap the duck, skin the snake, seize the bacon and gaze at beavers:

Kids back then used their imaginations.  Think of the fun your kiddos will have when you adapt  this suggestion by telling them they will pretend they are playing Xbox:

There are other (NAMBLA approved) activities which will not only entertain boys, but will also teach them about Native American culture (a/k/a the tradition of the Redman).

Bored on Sunday?  How about some alternative forms of worship like this Wicca log worshipping ceremony:

All children should learn the proper care and storage of milk.

And remember - whichever of these activities you choose, the memories will linger for your children, just as the memories of a Boyscout's time with the Scoutmaster will linger in the scout's mind.

Eine Himbeer Fräulein?

What is worse than than the cuisine in 1960s cookbooks?  

The cuisine in 1960s German cookbooks.

Behold the horrors of Kulinarische Kostelichkeiten:

Breakfast? How about a fried egg in motor oil drippings?  Or maybe a "Parisian Art" vomit omelet?

Get your vitamins with boiled leeks covered in a  silly putty demi glace:

Don't forget the kinder. They may enjoy their food fancied-up like vivisections of Kermit the Frog's head and a smattering of raw vegetables disguised as a transvestite piranha.

For dessert you can play it healthy and go for a Teutonic apple-bot...

...or you can splurge and opt for an infected pear or sauteed Nerf football slices.

And after dinner, what lovely fräulein doesn't want a serving of Himbeer?  Am I right, ladies?  ;-)

A Memo to Mrs. William J. Clinton

Dear Secretary of State Clinton:

As you continue your tour of the world's trouble spots, I humbly offer this guide to aid in your attempt to thaw relations with Iran (Axis of Evil).

Please follow this simple rule when referring to yourself with world leaders:

And please feel free to use this invitation as a model for inviting Iranian leaders to meet with your husband:
Godspeed, Madam Secretary!

The Ice Crapades

There's an old Woody Allen movie in which he says his biggest fear if reincarnation is true is that he'll have to one day watch the Ice Capades again.

I understand that joke now.

Looks innocent when you look at the cover, doesn't it?

The Holiday on Ice show obviously knew you were watching their show while suffering from seasonal depression.  First they washed your blues away with the rat-a-tat-tat of 36 skating snare drummers in garish Thai hooker and doormen costumes.

After they drummed you in chipperness, sophisticated rhythm stylists Jinx Clark and Rudy Richards dazzled you with their two routines - The Hobo meets Mexican Princess and The Music Man - ON ICE!

Then came Tommy Collins (just a carefree guy), the wholesome dance interpretations of Sawyers & Cheadle (no relation to Don Cheadle), and the bizarre appendage of beatnik, Ted Roman.

After the intermission (which probably included bourbon and opium), they rubbed Aladdin's wondrous lamp and revealed a faux-oriental wonderland, including a prancing silver mini-phantom coming to kill you!

But remember, the whole reason the people were there was to be reminded of their holiday duties - buying frightening toys for the children.

I did not know that

I always thought Jackie Gleason searched for Sodom and Gomorrah at Toots Shorr's place.  Apparently he did it in a banana scuba outfit in the Dead Sea.  Who knew?

It's Sweater Time

Winter is upon us.  Cold is in the air and the knitting needles are working furiously indoors.  Here are a few ideas for you crafty readers from some vintage sweater patterns I just picked up at our Friends of The Library Sale.

If there's one thing I learned about sweaters from these patterns is that they make ladies feel special - really special.  Here is a young lady brought to the height of ecstasy as she is draped in in the two-tone pink of her Brunswick Tempo:

Another young woman is here wrapped in post-afghasm bliss, leaving the knitter to wonder where her other arm is hiding:

Sweaters bring happy couples together, whether they be this young couple in their matching outfits for the annual Luling Watermelon Thump...

... or the handsome couple on the slopes (if any of you readers can knit me that sweater with an Acapulco cliff diver in place of the skier, there's good money in it for you)...

...or the sharply dressed pederast and catamite:

And I'm sure there's one thing you'll agree with after you see these pictures below: vintage sweaters bring men together and make them long for each other's rods, pipes, wieners, squirting DDT canisters, double-barreled guns and unsheathed sabres:

Sweaters also bring families together and help keep the kids quiet about their daddies in the closet.

Bad Poetry

It's easy to find awful poetry books.  It's hard to find poetry books so bad they make your jaw drop as you turn each page.  When I saw Nor All Your Wit in a box, I wondered if it was bound in leather. A quick touch revealed its soul - padded naugahyde in harvest gold.  Published in 1973, it brings together an array of poetry that will take you on an emotional journey from which you will not soon recover.

You will "enter Hell" when you read, on page 11, Laura L. Scott's tribute to her canine friend, Mr. Minsky And I:

And be prepared to be slapped in the face when you turn to page 12 and walk with Gene Marshall down the banks of a canal in Napoli and insult a woman you mistake for a street whore:

Compare and contrast the stylings of George Cook and W. Blaine Wheeler as they face off with the simpleton's ode to boredom in A Country Boy versus the Mensa-tastic pseudoepigraphically masturbatory Wrecked Concerns:

Let Hermenegildo Salinas take your heart on a journey where only love can go, then feel the sting as Niles Sorensen harpoons your heart with cold despair on the same page:

There's advice for parents...

...and a contribution to the literature of Father's Day:

I'll leave you with the comforting words of two of the greatest philosphers/poets known to mankind - Persian, Omar Khayyam, and brace-face, Marsha Elaine Kash: