Sunday, December 7, 2008

It's Sweater Time

Winter is upon us.  Cold is in the air and the knitting needles are working furiously indoors.  Here are a few ideas for you crafty readers from some vintage sweater patterns I just picked up at our Friends of The Library Sale.

If there's one thing I learned about sweaters from these patterns is that they make ladies feel special - really special.  Here is a young lady brought to the height of ecstasy as she is draped in in the two-tone pink of her Brunswick Tempo:

Another young woman is here wrapped in post-afghasm bliss, leaving the knitter to wonder where her other arm is hiding:

Sweaters bring happy couples together, whether they be this young couple in their matching outfits for the annual Luling Watermelon Thump...

... or the handsome couple on the slopes (if any of you readers can knit me that sweater with an Acapulco cliff diver in place of the skier, there's good money in it for you)...

...or the sharply dressed pederast and catamite:

And I'm sure there's one thing you'll agree with after you see these pictures below: vintage sweaters bring men together and make them long for each other's rods, pipes, wieners, squirting DDT canisters, double-barreled guns and unsheathed sabres:

Sweaters also bring families together and help keep the kids quiet about their daddies in the closet.

Monday, December 1, 2008

Bad Poetry

It's easy to find awful poetry books.  It's hard to find poetry books so bad they make your jaw drop as you turn each page.  When I saw Nor All Your Wit in a box, I wondered if it was bound in leather. A quick touch revealed its soul - padded naugahyde in harvest gold.  Published in 1973, it brings together an array of poetry that will take you on an emotional journey from which you will not soon recover.

You will "enter Hell" when you read, on page 11, Laura L. Scott's tribute to her canine friend, Mr. Minsky And I:

And be prepared to be slapped in the face when you turn to page 12 and walk with Gene Marshall down the banks of a canal in Napoli and insult a woman you mistake for a street whore:

Compare and contrast the stylings of George Cook and W. Blaine Wheeler as they face off with the simpleton's ode to boredom in A Country Boy versus the Mensa-tastic pseudoepigraphically masturbatory Wrecked Concerns:

Let Hermenegildo Salinas take your heart on a journey where only love can go, then feel the sting as Niles Sorensen harpoons your heart with cold despair on the same page:

There's advice for parents...

...and a contribution to the literature of Father's Day:

I'll leave you with the comforting words of two of the greatest philosphers/poets known to mankind - Persian, Omar Khayyam, and brace-face, Marsha Elaine Kash: